138* untitled

~~~ nothing significant this month-- been sick every day and my mind is pretty much brain dead...

the more time goes by, the more I miss having Kenny in my life

- - - san francisco 2008 - - -

 the silliness and laughter have been silenced forever~~

137* it never ends

I hate that Kenny is gone!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate that the sadness never goes away!!!!!!!!!!!

why? why?? why???

I AM sooooooo mad>>>I want him back,, I want to talk to him and have him answer me-- 

there are no answers!

I FEEL HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need a Kenny hug'''''''tears'''''''''''

136* Kenny

=====Kenny's  DIVEKICK character=====

135* august

i have been in major meltdown mode the past couple weeks--

august has been a sad, sad month...
11th~ my mom in heaven would have turned 65
19th~ two months without my brother nick
20th~ would have been my grandma bernie's bday (also in heaven)- don't know which one
29th~ too many months without my beloved son~~ still in mourning,, crying all the time

unexpectedly, we are still in the house where my children grew up

kenny's pigs are still atop his dresser

i stayed in bed for 10 days which ended yesterday--
been thinking of kenny SO MUCH lately} DIVEKICK came out this month == seeing kenny's character has been overwhelmingly emotional for me

on the more productive side-- i finished reading the host which i LOVED and read the last four chapters two times! thank you to callie for letting me borrow it and sorry i've had it so long....>>>

my younger brother matt and his fiance maria were here for a visit at the beginning of the month and i am decorating their cake top-- i think i will have to get started on that very soon...
.............................................................................................................

i have been finding less pennies (although there have been a few) and been finding feathers instead~>~> strange; don't know if it means anything

until next time~ <3

134* packing.... or lack thereof

BROKEN HEARTED>>> ANGRY>>> FRUSTRATED>>>        emptying Kenny's room....
its a terrible feeling packing his things

I had to make myself go numb in order to get through the last couple days, but now the tears are flowing and the sadness has kicked in.

Thursday- we moved Kenny's bed to storage and the gray metal shelf he put together. The bed had to be taken apart but I did not break up the 12cube shelf he built. It still has the sticky note he put on it the day he put it together. I wish I had taken a picture now that I am writing this blog entry.

I had to box everything that was in/on Kenny's bed post. I emptied the top of his dresser and took pictures to put it on craig's list-- if I ever figure out how to do it.                 
                           

-] Kenny's empty dresser [-

 When we returned from storage, I cleaned all of Kenny's pigs and arranged them on his dresser to take one last picture before I pack them. That was Thursday-] I still have not packed them. I stared mindlessly into space while I dusted, arranged and took pics; but somehow, that is as far as I could mentally go. As soon as got a box and bubble wrap I froze.

-] piggy collection  8/8/2013 [-

Friday- I began the day with the intention to get Kenny's pigs and shelf packed. I have crammed so many of Kenny's books, notebooks, pictures, games, and some of my own stuff onto his shelf that is looks completely chaotic.  

-] Kenny's stuff [-

I managed to get through my normal morning routine: meditation/ coffee/ Ravenne time-} play ball and go for a walk. Then I ran a couple of errands. When I returned home I was very tired; I went to Kenny's room and could not fathom getting anything packed so I laid out sleeping bags and pillows on the floor and slept for five hours. I woke up feeling very down. I took my pillows to the living room where I am currently sleeping and left Kenny's room for the night. I ate and went back to bed.

Oh, there is something else I got done. Sometime during Thursday I cleaned Kenny's red rug. I never was able to get a proper picture before because it was filthy and Kenny's bed was on it so at last here is a picture of Kenny's red rug which will remain in his room when we leave this house.

-] the red rug [-

I don't know why he liked this rug so much. Perhaps, it is because it had many imperfections. I will always remember rolling it up and carrying it together and I will keep this picture in my phone to help me hold onto that memory. 

It was a happier time when Kenny was alive... and those days can never be returned. Memories pale in comparison to how I felt when my children were here with me.

Until next time...

 

133* so many memories...

summer is flying by so quickly....
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the past month has been spent packing and moving stuff to storage as well as getting used to not having my brother around. i think of him ALL THE TIME-- when i need to do computer stuff- when i listen to classic rock- when i listen to the dodger games- when i want to text him out of the blue- when i eat something that reminds me of him- when i talk to mi mama or my younger brother- when i'm missing kenny- it never ends....
***************************************************
callie noticed that the living room looked different when she was here for movie night last night-- it was a real good night for me. ben wanted to spend a few minutes in kenny's room one last time-- i had a tearful moment when it occurred to me i might not see them again, but i pray that does not happen.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////
it's been awhile since i posted pics of kenny so...
here is a set of random pictures i found yesterday

Halloween 1992- 1 year

December 1992- Jheremy 5yrs, Vincent 3 mos, Kenny 1 yr

Me n Kenny- beach time - January 1993

Loving that leather jacket- 1yr +

sneaking a cheeseburger! 2 1/2 yrs

Power Rangers! Kenny=red & Vincent=blue

Kenny (7yrs) with Great Grandma Nellie and Jasper-

Kenny(6) > Jheremy(11) > Vincent(5)

Kenny is 10! remember Rumble Robots?

Just having fun!!!! age 8

Jheremy (14) - Vincent (10) - Kenny (11)

So 
many memories ....best times of my life
Peace and Love until next time

132* movie night

20 months ago today,, seems like time has passed and stood still,, very strange...


watching movies with Ben, Callie and Vincent--- had Little Caesar's pizza and breadsticks- first time Little C's been in my house since Kenny was alive

also I ate way too many swedish fish-- one of Kenny's favorite candies, they are addictive...

will post more tomorrow- I scanned a bunch of pictures, but its time for movie #2

First one was "Pirates of the Carribean-at world's end"
Next, "Eragon"

Until tomorrow   

Little Caesars/ IBC  ROOT BEER/ Swedish Fish- 3 of Kenny's favorite treats... keeping his memory alive