136* Kenny

=====Kenny's  DIVEKICK character=====

135* august

i have been in major meltdown mode the past couple weeks--

august has been a sad, sad month...
11th~ my mom in heaven would have turned 65
19th~ two months without my brother nick
20th~ would have been my grandma bernie's bday (also in heaven)- don't know which one
29th~ too many months without my beloved son~~ still in mourning,, crying all the time

unexpectedly, we are still in the house where my children grew up

kenny's pigs are still atop his dresser

i stayed in bed for 10 days which ended yesterday--
been thinking of kenny SO MUCH lately} DIVEKICK came out this month == seeing kenny's character has been overwhelmingly emotional for me

on the more productive side-- i finished reading the host which i LOVED and read the last four chapters two times! thank you to callie for letting me borrow it and sorry i've had it so long....>>>

my younger brother matt and his fiance maria were here for a visit at the beginning of the month and i am decorating their cake top-- i think i will have to get started on that very soon...
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i have been finding less pennies (although there have been a few) and been finding feathers instead~>~> strange; don't know if it means anything

until next time~ <3

134* packing.... or lack thereof

BROKEN HEARTED>>> ANGRY>>> FRUSTRATED>>>        emptying Kenny's room....
its a terrible feeling packing his things

I had to make myself go numb in order to get through the last couple days, but now the tears are flowing and the sadness has kicked in.

Thursday- we moved Kenny's bed to storage and the gray metal shelf he put together. The bed had to be taken apart but I did not break up the 12cube shelf he built. It still has the sticky note he put on it the day he put it together. I wish I had taken a picture now that I am writing this blog entry.

I had to box everything that was in/on Kenny's bed post. I emptied the top of his dresser and took pictures to put it on craig's list-- if I ever figure out how to do it.                 
                           

-] Kenny's empty dresser [-

 When we returned from storage, I cleaned all of Kenny's pigs and arranged them on his dresser to take one last picture before I pack them. That was Thursday-] I still have not packed them. I stared mindlessly into space while I dusted, arranged and took pics; but somehow, that is as far as I could mentally go. As soon as got a box and bubble wrap I froze.

-] piggy collection  8/8/2013 [-

Friday- I began the day with the intention to get Kenny's pigs and shelf packed. I have crammed so many of Kenny's books, notebooks, pictures, games, and some of my own stuff onto his shelf that is looks completely chaotic.  

-] Kenny's stuff [-

I managed to get through my normal morning routine: meditation/ coffee/ Ravenne time-} play ball and go for a walk. Then I ran a couple of errands. When I returned home I was very tired; I went to Kenny's room and could not fathom getting anything packed so I laid out sleeping bags and pillows on the floor and slept for five hours. I woke up feeling very down. I took my pillows to the living room where I am currently sleeping and left Kenny's room for the night. I ate and went back to bed.

Oh, there is something else I got done. Sometime during Thursday I cleaned Kenny's red rug. I never was able to get a proper picture before because it was filthy and Kenny's bed was on it so at last here is a picture of Kenny's red rug which will remain in his room when we leave this house.

-] the red rug [-

I don't know why he liked this rug so much. Perhaps, it is because it had many imperfections. I will always remember rolling it up and carrying it together and I will keep this picture in my phone to help me hold onto that memory. 

It was a happier time when Kenny was alive... and those days can never be returned. Memories pale in comparison to how I felt when my children were here with me.

Until next time...

 

133* so many memories...

summer is flying by so quickly....
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the past month has been spent packing and moving stuff to storage as well as getting used to not having my brother around. i think of him ALL THE TIME-- when i need to do computer stuff- when i listen to classic rock- when i listen to the dodger games- when i want to text him out of the blue- when i eat something that reminds me of him- when i talk to mi mama or my younger brother- when i'm missing kenny- it never ends....
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callie noticed that the living room looked different when she was here for movie night last night-- it was a real good night for me. ben wanted to spend a few minutes in kenny's room one last time-- i had a tearful moment when it occurred to me i might not see them again, but i pray that does not happen.
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it's been awhile since i posted pics of kenny so...
here is a set of random pictures i found yesterday

Halloween 1992- 1 year

December 1992- Jheremy 5yrs, Vincent 3 mos, Kenny 1 yr

Me n Kenny- beach time - January 1993

Loving that leather jacket- 1yr +

sneaking a cheeseburger! 2 1/2 yrs

Power Rangers! Kenny=red & Vincent=blue

Kenny (7yrs) with Great Grandma Nellie and Jasper-

Kenny(6) > Jheremy(11) > Vincent(5)

Kenny is 10! remember Rumble Robots?

Just having fun!!!! age 8

Jheremy (14) - Vincent (10) - Kenny (11)

So 
many memories ....best times of my life
Peace and Love until next time

132* movie night

20 months ago today,, seems like time has passed and stood still,, very strange...


watching movies with Ben, Callie and Vincent--- had Little Caesar's pizza and breadsticks- first time Little C's been in my house since Kenny was alive

also I ate way too many swedish fish-- one of Kenny's favorite candies, they are addictive...

will post more tomorrow- I scanned a bunch of pictures, but its time for movie #2

First one was "Pirates of the Carribean-at world's end"
Next, "Eragon"

Until tomorrow   

Little Caesars/ IBC  ROOT BEER/ Swedish Fish- 3 of Kenny's favorite treats... keeping his memory alive

131* losses and pennies

In Loving Memory~ 
          Nick Montaño  Sept/1969- June/2013

Nick and Annette- me n my bro

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The last month has been filled with loss. My brother died last week and yesterday was his funeral. His death was completely unexpected and still seems unreal. I truly expected to see him alive yesterday at the funeral home.

Another whirlwind of emotions has been hitting me, however somehow it doesn't feel at all the same as losing Kenny, or the possible impending loss of my dog Ravenne. It's a very different, strange feeling. There have been waves of sorrow and grief, but I feel my brother Nick left peacefully and just the way he wanted to go. He died in his sleep.
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other than that I have been losing things nearly everytime I turn around it seems.

I lost my grandmother's ring a while back and have not been able to find it no matter how I search.

I lost my peace ring while doing a yard sale at my mom's house. I looked everywhere for a week, even in the boxes and garage where I found it two weeks later. It was in a box of items for a yard sale. When I was unpacking the box my ring was in it, only it didn't look the same. It was smashed as if it had been run over. So I put it in my car and then somewhere in my house and have lost it again.

The week before that I lost the button Ben gave me that looks a little like a yin-yang and that made me very sad!  

I liked it so much I took a picture of it long ago.
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In other news =there was a series of day when I was finding lots of pennies. One day I found seven pennies in the same day. After finding a few, I thought it was so amazing I took pictures of them.

 

 The first picture is the fifth penny I found that day in the bathroom at Target. The first four I found all in a row in the parking lot at Target. I tried taking a picture but it didn't turn out. 
Later that day I found two at the gas station when I was getting gas. I found one when I went to pay and one when I was walking back to pump the gas.
That was on June 13, 2013. I guess Kenny was missing me that day and sending lots of hellos.

Until next time...cherish your loved ones <3

130* Mother's Day; numbers; and pictures

   Kenny's candle is lit on this 29th day of May. It is now one and a half years since the last day Kenny was with me. I still relive his last day sometimes. I remember him sitting at the table with his cereal the last morning we talked. He did not give me a clue as to his evil plan. It seems impossible that I did not know at all.  
  Another Mother's Day passed by without Kenny. This year was a little easier than last year. It didn't hit me hard until the end of the day. Then I was sad, sad, sad. During the day, I spent a bit of time posting stuff on facebook. I enjoyed getting pictures of the boys up and it took awhile so it kept my mind busy and I felt the love I have for my children can still keep me going. Vincent and I went to see Iron Man 3. I really like going with Vincent to the movies even though he doesn't talk to me much. He chats non-stop with his friends but it is different with me. I like it when he has friends around--it is a little like it was when Kenny was alive. It is special watching movies with Vincent. I never would have gotten into Marvel movies without him, and I actually think the characters are very cool, and the movies are very entertaining and interesting.
    Jheremy is far away so I did not get to see him. Sometimes he sends me a card but not this year or last. I wonder if I will ever get a Mother's Day card again. Kenny would have given me a card and a hug. I did not get a hug on Mother's day this year. I would have loved a hug...guess I'm glad its over.I felt soooo terrible the next day I did not go to work but the day after that I continued on with life. At least now I have the inner strength to carry on with full confidence that I am capable of getting through the most horrific events. I think I have lived through the pinocle of grief for this lifetime. It will remain in a part of my heart for all of my days. Even so, the rest of my heart is filled with faith that the future will be happier than the past years.

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   I continue to be fascinated with numbers and their connection with life. I was looking on Kenny's facebook not long ago-- I still leave messages randomly, and I noticed he had 29 friends. 29, the same number as the last day of his life. What a peculiar coincidence, huh?

   As for me, I've had quite a lot of experiences with master numbers in the last month. I happened to wake up at 3:33am a couple times and I looked at the clock at 4:44pm another day. My change was $7.77 one day when I was buying groceries and my total for a purchase was $5.55 another time. Each master has a different meaning but they are all about being in tune with the universe and one's purpose in life. When I have time next week I will read all about them
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   I was thinking recently as I was looking at family pictures that never again will I have a new picture of Kenny. I don't know if he looks the same or different on the other side but he will always look the same in his pictures. He will never age-- he will never change and it gives me a knot in the pit of my stomach. It feels so wrong!!! and it gives missing him a whole new meaning...I do wish so much that he was here. I do want to share new experiences with him. To hear him talk about anything would brighten my day. To hear him laugh would be pure joy. Simple expressions can mean so much.

   Don't ever take any for granted--one never knows when it will end...

~~ <3 Love, Light, Peace ~~ until next time