131* losses and pennies

In Loving Memory~ 
          Nick Montaño  Sept/1969- June/2013

Nick and Annette- me n my bro

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The last month has been filled with loss. My brother died last week and yesterday was his funeral. His death was completely unexpected and still seems unreal. I truly expected to see him alive yesterday at the funeral home.

Another whirlwind of emotions has been hitting me, however somehow it doesn't feel at all the same as losing Kenny, or the possible impending loss of my dog Ravenne. It's a very different, strange feeling. There have been waves of sorrow and grief, but I feel my brother Nick left peacefully and just the way he wanted to go. He died in his sleep.
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other than that I have been losing things nearly everytime I turn around it seems.

I lost my grandmother's ring a while back and have not been able to find it no matter how I search.

I lost my peace ring while doing a yard sale at my mom's house. I looked everywhere for a week, even in the boxes and garage where I found it two weeks later. It was in a box of items for a yard sale. When I was unpacking the box my ring was in it, only it didn't look the same. It was smashed as if it had been run over. So I put it in my car and then somewhere in my house and have lost it again.

The week before that I lost the button Ben gave me that looks a little like a yin-yang and that made me very sad!  

I liked it so much I took a picture of it long ago.
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In other news =there was a series of day when I was finding lots of pennies. One day I found seven pennies in the same day. After finding a few, I thought it was so amazing I took pictures of them.

 

 The first picture is the fifth penny I found that day in the bathroom at Target. The first four I found all in a row in the parking lot at Target. I tried taking a picture but it didn't turn out. 
Later that day I found two at the gas station when I was getting gas. I found one when I went to pay and one when I was walking back to pump the gas.
That was on June 13, 2013. I guess Kenny was missing me that day and sending lots of hellos.

Until next time...cherish your loved ones <3

130* Mother's Day; numbers; and pictures

   Kenny's candle is lit on this 29th day of May. It is now one and a half years since the last day Kenny was with me. I still relive his last day sometimes. I remember him sitting at the table with his cereal the last morning we talked. He did not give me a clue as to his evil plan. It seems impossible that I did not know at all.  
  Another Mother's Day passed by without Kenny. This year was a little easier than last year. It didn't hit me hard until the end of the day. Then I was sad, sad, sad. During the day, I spent a bit of time posting stuff on facebook. I enjoyed getting pictures of the boys up and it took awhile so it kept my mind busy and I felt the love I have for my children can still keep me going. Vincent and I went to see Iron Man 3. I really like going with Vincent to the movies even though he doesn't talk to me much. He chats non-stop with his friends but it is different with me. I like it when he has friends around--it is a little like it was when Kenny was alive. It is special watching movies with Vincent. I never would have gotten into Marvel movies without him, and I actually think the characters are very cool, and the movies are very entertaining and interesting.
    Jheremy is far away so I did not get to see him. Sometimes he sends me a card but not this year or last. I wonder if I will ever get a Mother's Day card again. Kenny would have given me a card and a hug. I did not get a hug on Mother's day this year. I would have loved a hug...guess I'm glad its over.I felt soooo terrible the next day I did not go to work but the day after that I continued on with life. At least now I have the inner strength to carry on with full confidence that I am capable of getting through the most horrific events. I think I have lived through the pinocle of grief for this lifetime. It will remain in a part of my heart for all of my days. Even so, the rest of my heart is filled with faith that the future will be happier than the past years.

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   I continue to be fascinated with numbers and their connection with life. I was looking on Kenny's facebook not long ago-- I still leave messages randomly, and I noticed he had 29 friends. 29, the same number as the last day of his life. What a peculiar coincidence, huh?

   As for me, I've had quite a lot of experiences with master numbers in the last month. I happened to wake up at 3:33am a couple times and I looked at the clock at 4:44pm another day. My change was $7.77 one day when I was buying groceries and my total for a purchase was $5.55 another time. Each master has a different meaning but they are all about being in tune with the universe and one's purpose in life. When I have time next week I will read all about them
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   I was thinking recently as I was looking at family pictures that never again will I have a new picture of Kenny. I don't know if he looks the same or different on the other side but he will always look the same in his pictures. He will never age-- he will never change and it gives me a knot in the pit of my stomach. It feels so wrong!!! and it gives missing him a whole new meaning...I do wish so much that he was here. I do want to share new experiences with him. To hear him talk about anything would brighten my day. To hear him laugh would be pure joy. Simple expressions can mean so much.

   Don't ever take any for granted--one never knows when it will end...

~~ <3 Love, Light, Peace ~~ until next time

129* 75 weeks

It's Tuesday-- ANOTHER TUESDAY!!!!  
and this one is hitting me hard>> I wish I could spend the day writing but I must hurry off to work,, I'm already on track to be late.

I hate that life interferes with my needs
I feel terrible today,, I want to grief for my son-- my darling son whom I could not help

I feel the strongest sense of profound sadness that I could not help him--I could not make him feel that life is worth living--
and now I feel the exact same way

I try to find meaning.. a reason,, a purpose
but it eludes me

There are people I love deeply who are here
However,, the love I carry in my heart does not erase the pain
The grief is overwhelming today and now I must go 
and be a part of the life that I hate

Love and Peace to the world and life on the other side

Love<3 Love<3 Love<3 to Kenny         

128* There's been easier days..

March 29th was a very good day. The first good day in a long, long time.

I woke up early and walked my dog>> I lit Kenny's candle.

I went to sound therapy in the morning--I always feel better after sound therapy.  

Then I had spontaneous lunch and movie day-- saw "The Host",, and liked it very much.

And after that, I rushed home to have movie time with Vincent, Ben, and Callie. We watched X-Men movies and ate pizza, the kids talked and made me laugh. I love listening to their commentaries. I made cookies--they weren't my best cookies but still it was fun.

Yes, March 29th was a good day--it got late and I was so tired I went to bed after the kids left.

}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Today, in contrast has been a very bad day.

My dog Ravenne is showing symptoms of dying. She is not eating, she looks like she is pain with the saddest eyes, and she doesn't want to come inside.
She has been laying outside for days, and leaving her to go to work this morning made me feel sick to my stomach.

I kept praying she would make it through the day and she has, but I know she doesn't have much time left. Of course hanging out with the Kenny where there is endless green grass and freedom to run as much as she wants will be better for her than being here in pain,but still it makes me so sad to lose another loved one.

Other than that, Mondays are now my worst day of the week.

Soon to be over, never-the-less I still had to endure getting through this Monday. I talked to Kenny a lot this morning--mostly asking him to watch over Ravenne. I still think of him and miss him lots; however I talk to him differently now. More like he's listening, with less expectation of hearing him in return. 

Even so, I still cry daily. The tears flow even when I try to stop them but overall I feel stronger than before although life would be so much better with Kenny here. I must say that all the time: "I wish you were here Kenny". I do believe I will feel that way forever...plus

Would be wonderful to have one of Kenny's hugs!!On hard days like this, I wish so much to see Kenny smile and give me a hug and hear him say "doesn't life suck mom" and I could reply "its not that bad"... On that note, I have been finding a lot of random pennies lately. Whenever I find one I say "thank you Kenny" and write in my date book "Kenny penny". I found one Friday when I was in Sunnyvale with Vincent-- made me feel like Kenny was there with us in a way. 

Anyway thats all for now~ I pray I have more energy next month.

and as Kenny would say "PEACE" 



  

     

127* 16 months

16 months... love to Kenny

watching X-Men movies with Vincent, Ben, and Callie

more tomorrow....

126* Kenny dance...

Today something very special happened as I was driving to work. I was listening to nature music with flutes and birds chirping, thinking of Kenny as I often do when I drive. I keep a copy of his service pamphlet on my window visor so I see him every time I drive and I talk to him all the time-- sometimes silently, sometimes out loud while laughing or crying. 

Something about hearing the birds chirp on the cd brought Kenny to my mind and I was saying "I wish I could see you smile"....and at that very moment I had a visit from him. It's really kind of unusual how it happens. I see him, but not at all in the way one sees an image in life. It's almost as if he's invisible energy that takes on his form and features~~ he was so joyful in my vision! He was flying in the sky a few feet in front of my car window-- smiling and laughing, twirling and spinning around>> it was truly amazing!!!! It's been such a long time since I've seen him and although I know I'm not crazy, it is bizarre the way I have these mental images of him without truly seeing him. I think the only way for anyone to understand is to experience it personally,, but I am sure it was real. Anyway, after a couple minutes he waved and shot up into the air like a rocket, and I felt extremely blessed and wrapped in love. It most definitely was a beautiful experience and a gift from Kenny that my spirit needed-- I asked him earlier today to watch over me and he answered me in those few minutes.

And as I was remembering that wonderful happening of the day, it reminded me of the video taken by Eric Johnson(Vincent's friend), so with Vincent's help I have posted this very short video taken of Kenny doing a portion of his famous 'Kenny dance'. His hair was still long so it must have been taken during the end of junior year before he shaved it off. It never got that long again...how much I loved those curls,,,
I really hope the video works--> its a great reminder of Kenny's spirit and unique nature :) 

Until next time... may everyone enjoy a unique and special experience 
<3Love <3Love~~~~~~~~~~~  

125* February

Kenny's Monopoly

                              

Today is Tuesday, March 5th....another Tuesday. I am treating today as if it is the 29th of the month of February because the entire month of February went by and I never did a blog entry. I was debating if I should do it on the 28th of Feb or the 1st of March; however it became a non-decision due to the fact that I have been extremely worn out, void of all energy by the time the end of the days get here and way too busy during the day to have more than a few minutes to breathe, much less any time to do anything for myself.

Every night since Feb. 28th as I put my weary body and worn out brain into bed, I think - 'I have to do the blog'... then I fall asleep and wake up feeling guilty in the morning for not having gotten it done and then I cry because the loss still feels very fresh when I wake up, and I feel terrible that life's responsibilities are interfering with me keeping Kenny's memory alive. It's the last thing that I want to happen...I don't ever want to get to a place where I am so busy I forget his special days. At least I haven't forgotten..even though time sometimes gets away from me.


I vow to never let it happen again. So, in the month of February I started working again. It was a long and tedious process. The first couple weeks were terrible and I wanted to quit- which, I actually did- but I got talked into sticking it out. So, now I am a part of the rat race, trying to figure out how to survive in this world. The last week was grueling with lots of meetings and hours of work. I am super duper tired even as I sit here typing; however I made myself get up early because there was no way I was going to let another day go by without getting this blog done, and it being a Tuesday it works out okay. I just lit Kenny's memory candle. I still light a candle on Tuesdays, and a special candle on the 29th which, of course didn't happen last month.

Last year was a leap year so I was able to light a special candle on the 29th of every month of 2012 in memory of Kenny's last day on Earth. I think I mostly do it because I want so much to hold onto a piece of Kenny's spirit. What I miss the most is Kenny's sweet and loving nature. It certainly hasn't been replaced in my life and there are so many, many moments during the day when I have a thought or do something and I think- 'I wish Kenny was here'. It happened yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work. I was feeling completely awful because I woke up to the realization that another day had gone by without getting the Feb. blog done and I was rushing to be ready for a new program that was starting; and I was telling Kenny in my mind that I was a new starting a new job. Then I sat on the bed and started sobbing after I put on my yin-yang necklace and I said out loud "Kenny, Kenny I wish you were here to give me a hug, I could really use one of your hugs today". And that's how it happens most of the time. I just want to see him smile or hear him say "have fun Mom" or have a hug. He was the best hugger, not quick and in a hurry. I often ask Vincent for hugs now and he is kind and abliging; but Vincent isn't one for long and lingering hugs. Its a quick one arm wrap around the shoulder most of the time; although I can get a quick two arm hug some of the time. Either way, I am grateful but I still miss Kenny's hugs.
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JHEREMY-- 2/ 5/ 2013

So,, in the month of February Jheremy came to town for a visit and on his first night here our little family played a game of Monopoly together. 

CONOR-- 2/ 5/ 2013

It was the first time we have played
Monopoly since Kenny died, and I was beginning to think his games would never be used again. I am very happy we had that time to spend together. Naturally Kenny was on my mind the entire time we played and it made me feel good that we were doing something Kenny would have loved to be a part of-- it almost felt as if he was watching over us.   

VINCENT-- 2/ 5/ 2013

It was very dark in the living room so we lit candles and brought in a couple of little lamps. It was a nice atmosphere. Vincent insisted we play by the original rules, and Jheremy had to check the rule guide a few times during the game. We didn't use the free parking money pit so people were going broke rather quickly. Still, the game took many hours to play. We played until every one was out.

(ME)  ANNETTE-- 2/ 5/ 2013

Conor was the big winner. He's one of Jheremy's best friends (most likely the best friend he's ever had, although I really shouldn't speak for Jheremy) and he's been around for well over a decade so he's practically family. Anyway, he creamed us all with one monopoly of properties and lots of hotels. For me, it was a really good night. There was a lot of laughter and chatter as the hours passed and it was almost like old times, only newer and more grown up.

I'm wondering what will end up happening with all of Kenny's games. I hate for them to get boxed up and never used. I would love very much for them to be played and for people to remember Kenny's smile and silly nature as they play the game that once brought us together and made Kenny happy.
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Also in February there were a couple of birthdays....

~~*** HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY ***~~
                   Ben and Matthew  


I've really missed this feeling of being connected to Kenny while doing the blog. This is the best I've felt in several weeks, other than typing in the date. I still get a sinking feeling in my heart and stomach when I use the year 2013. It is a reminder that time will continue to go by and my life will still be missing Kenny in it.
 
Lots of Love to my darling son on the other side,, wherever you may be...please keep us with you as I will always keep you with me. 

Until later in the month... Love and Peace