It's surprising to me how easy it is to turn off my mind-}to shut it off and stop thinking. That was what it was like for me most of the past week. I would stare blankly into space and do anything to keep myself from thinking or feeling (mostly tv). It's very unproductive but it does stall the pain for long periods of time. It is a habit I am trying to break, now that I am in the "facing death" part of my recovery. Although I have known in every aspect of my life that Kenny is gone> I have lived on in this house as if he is away but not dead. I acknowledge his death with this blog and I think that the reason there are days I don't write is that those are the days I don't want to believe he is dead-the days I cannot face that he is more than just gone.
*********************************
I attempted to make progress in cleaning up Kenny's room but it didn't go well,,too many distractions. I taped together a box to put his staying stuff in hours and hours ago->it remains empty. The only visible difference is that Kenny's red rug can now be seen because all of the video games and equipment made their way to the wire cubicles Kenny put together last summer. There is a yellow sticky note Kenny put on the structure he built, it says "Put together 8/28/11".
I tried to keep my mind on, but the day was too busy to get any real thinking done, hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Until then...
{{{ RANDOM TOPIC }}}
---} the red rug {---
So...a few years back, Kenny and I went walking around to check out the yard sales that were close to our house. We were a couple blocks away from home when Kenny spotted this old rug on somebody's lawn. It was a good sized rug but it was ratty and not all that pretty; it's a deep red with some blue shapes that are a cross of a rectangle and a hexagon and some strange space craft looking objects throughout the design and it looked like someone had tried to wash it because the fringe on one of the ends was pink; however that didn't matter to Kenny. For some reason he really liked that rug and squabbled with the person a few minutes because he didn't have enough money and we needed to get the Navigator because it was big. We hurried ourselves home, I can't remember if he had more money at home or if Kenny borrowed from me but either way we returned to pick up the rug he liked so much.We rolled it up, put it in the back of the Navigator, sticking out the window. Ha ha ha. Even then it had some parts that were worn but Now there are holes worn all the way thru it and there are many worn out spots. Kenny placed it in front of his bed, it covers the space all the way to his t.v. It was the place he and his friends would use to play video games and he used that space for homework. He was playing with candles once; burning the wax down or something- there were lots off flames and he cracked the plate the candles were on. Wax went flowing all over his rug and it never came completely off.
The last couple years I kept trying to get Kenny to let me replace that rug. Every time the curbside clean-up would come around I would ask Kenny repeatedly to "please get rid of that rug"...I even offered to buy him a black and gray checkered rug, which was very cool, in its place but he would not get rid of it. So here it stays, and when I leave this house and empty his room the rug will remain.
Element of the day (day 45)
#41) Nb- Niobium -] metal
Discovered in 1801 by Charles Hatchett, England.
A soft, shiny, bluish-white metal. Used in alloys, especially with steel. Alloyed with zirconium to make superconducting magnets. Also in jet and rocket engines. Sometimes used in jewelry for its bluish color. Until 1950, niobium was known as columbium.
Present in many minerals. Most common in pyrochlore, columbite, betafite, and samarskite. Mined in Brazil, Canada, Zaire, China and Nigeria.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
44* Miserable Memory
Today, I finished cleaning under Kenny's bed and packed the inside of his headboard- a bunch of trinkets and cards, keys and locks...a few old papers and banking stuff made its way to the garbage. Then I attempted to go through his school stuff and other notebooks and folders>> its very difficult with Vincent wanting to block my every move. He doesn't want to get rid of anything and I understand how he feels but there is no way for us to keep everything...I only managed to throw out some old chemistry exams,,however there are plenty more! so many notebooks and folders of chem...and lots with gaming information and character profiles--I even found an old notebook with his special language.Unfortunately, I am unable to interpret what it says.
I also came across some essays from his english class. One of them is entitled 'Miserable Memories'; it is about his stay in a mental health facility when he was 15 years old. It was an experience he wanted to have-he started talking about it after he began therapy sessions> he was intrigued by the idea. As it turned out, it wasn't at all what he expected and did not live up to his expectations. For me, it was a nightmare! Kenny had been pulled out of school for safety reasons and I quit my job to stay home with him and get him enrolled in therapy and independent study. at the time, he was severely depressed and had been for awhile, but he had not been treated outside of the school psychologist.There was an incident at the school which required the response of the C.A.R.E. Team and that was how we were able to get referrals to find him a psychologist. His first therapist was a woman and they didn't click at all- Kenny could easily outwit and confuse her and I sensed that she felt I couldn't keep him safe. Of course, she was wrong--I never allowed him to be alone when he was in a "suicidal mood"and I always remained within a relatively close distance from him. I talked with him, hung out with him, took him to all his appointments and made sure he maintained his few friendships by allowing him time with his friends as before.However, for some reason the therapist was doubtful and afraid for Kenny's safety so she talked us into signing a 24 hr stay, which was supposed to take place here in Fresno and I was told I could stay with him. It turned out that was a lie, although it did not matter once the county had my signature so they found him a placement in Ventura county and there was nothing i could do. I fought with the counselors and the security at the center. I was not allowed to see Kenny all day--apparently he had asked for me but was not allowed either. I was a wreck>crying and begging them to at least give me permission to drive him--it was awful, security called the police, saying I was hysterical--Mi Mama was there and tried to explain to the authorities that I did not give permission for my son to leave town but it was all to no avail. We left to get Kenny some clothes and when we returned he was strapped to a gurney and put into an ambulance>>then they took him away without telling me where he was going. I kept calling and calling everyone I could in the county facility but the nurse said someone would contact me.I stayed awake all night--completely freaked out,(I didn't find out where he was until after midnight), it was the worst day of my life; to have my child ripped away from me--it's horrible the power some people have and how they don't take into consideration the effect it has on other people's lives. No one would listen to me, and the therapist lied to me more than once. I filed complaints and spoke to supervisors but it did not matter. All that changed was my son spent ten days in a facility where even the nurses and counselors told me he did not belong.They put him on anti-depressants which made him feel sick and he slept for three days. after a few days of difficulty, I was able to find out where he was and in those ten days, I made four trips to see him.I was much stronger then,fierce and I put up a fight to get Kenny home and I was won! He came home knowing that a mental facility is not where he belonged.
His words: "I seemed to be the only patient who got along with every other patient, but my problem was less severe than anyone else's.The bad news is that I didn't learn anything from the whole thing.I just had fun and indebted my family to a medical institution."
In order to get him released, I had to agree to having him medicated. That lasted a little over a year. I'm not sure if it helped--Kenny didn't believe so,,i made sure the dose was as low as allowable>>I would not agree to an increase. they were always pushing to increase his dosage. the only significant change I noticed was weight gain, which Kenny truly disliked. after he returned home, I demanded a new therapist for Kenny and this time, I was given information about my choices. I think the second therapist was a much better match for Kenny and after a year, Kenny had gained a little self confidence and a whole lot of knowledge. He was weened off the meds and released from care his junior year of high school--which he rejoined at the beginning of second semester.That is when I thought it was all better...he made such progress for a few years, then the depression creeped back into his life.In his words: "I came back home with the notion of suicide gone...temporarily."
Wow,that took me off on a tangent...
Element of the day (day 44)
#40) Zr-Zirconium -] metal
Discovered in 1789 by Martin Heinrich Klaproth, Germany.
A hard, lustrous, gray-white metal. Resistant to water, most acids and bases. Used as a shield against corrosive compounds in the chemical industry, for steel alloys, bricks, ceramics and abrasives, flashbulbs, explosive primers, lamp filaments and artificial gemstones. Also in deodorants.
Zircon is the only zirconium mineral of commercial importance, produced from placer deposits and sands in Australia, Russia, South Africa, the USA, and Brazil.
I also came across some essays from his english class. One of them is entitled 'Miserable Memories'; it is about his stay in a mental health facility when he was 15 years old. It was an experience he wanted to have-he started talking about it after he began therapy sessions> he was intrigued by the idea. As it turned out, it wasn't at all what he expected and did not live up to his expectations. For me, it was a nightmare! Kenny had been pulled out of school for safety reasons and I quit my job to stay home with him and get him enrolled in therapy and independent study. at the time, he was severely depressed and had been for awhile, but he had not been treated outside of the school psychologist.There was an incident at the school which required the response of the C.A.R.E. Team and that was how we were able to get referrals to find him a psychologist. His first therapist was a woman and they didn't click at all- Kenny could easily outwit and confuse her and I sensed that she felt I couldn't keep him safe. Of course, she was wrong--I never allowed him to be alone when he was in a "suicidal mood"and I always remained within a relatively close distance from him. I talked with him, hung out with him, took him to all his appointments and made sure he maintained his few friendships by allowing him time with his friends as before.However, for some reason the therapist was doubtful and afraid for Kenny's safety so she talked us into signing a 24 hr stay, which was supposed to take place here in Fresno and I was told I could stay with him. It turned out that was a lie, although it did not matter once the county had my signature so they found him a placement in Ventura county and there was nothing i could do. I fought with the counselors and the security at the center. I was not allowed to see Kenny all day--apparently he had asked for me but was not allowed either. I was a wreck>crying and begging them to at least give me permission to drive him--it was awful, security called the police, saying I was hysterical--Mi Mama was there and tried to explain to the authorities that I did not give permission for my son to leave town but it was all to no avail. We left to get Kenny some clothes and when we returned he was strapped to a gurney and put into an ambulance>>then they took him away without telling me where he was going. I kept calling and calling everyone I could in the county facility but the nurse said someone would contact me.I stayed awake all night--completely freaked out,(I didn't find out where he was until after midnight), it was the worst day of my life; to have my child ripped away from me--it's horrible the power some people have and how they don't take into consideration the effect it has on other people's lives. No one would listen to me, and the therapist lied to me more than once. I filed complaints and spoke to supervisors but it did not matter. All that changed was my son spent ten days in a facility where even the nurses and counselors told me he did not belong.They put him on anti-depressants which made him feel sick and he slept for three days. after a few days of difficulty, I was able to find out where he was and in those ten days, I made four trips to see him.I was much stronger then,fierce and I put up a fight to get Kenny home and I was won! He came home knowing that a mental facility is not where he belonged.
His words: "I seemed to be the only patient who got along with every other patient, but my problem was less severe than anyone else's.The bad news is that I didn't learn anything from the whole thing.I just had fun and indebted my family to a medical institution."
In order to get him released, I had to agree to having him medicated. That lasted a little over a year. I'm not sure if it helped--Kenny didn't believe so,,i made sure the dose was as low as allowable>>I would not agree to an increase. they were always pushing to increase his dosage. the only significant change I noticed was weight gain, which Kenny truly disliked. after he returned home, I demanded a new therapist for Kenny and this time, I was given information about my choices. I think the second therapist was a much better match for Kenny and after a year, Kenny had gained a little self confidence and a whole lot of knowledge. He was weened off the meds and released from care his junior year of high school--which he rejoined at the beginning of second semester.That is when I thought it was all better...he made such progress for a few years, then the depression creeped back into his life.In his words: "I came back home with the notion of suicide gone...temporarily."
Wow,that took me off on a tangent...
Element of the day (day 44)
#40) Zr-Zirconium -] metal
Discovered in 1789 by Martin Heinrich Klaproth, Germany.
A hard, lustrous, gray-white metal. Resistant to water, most acids and bases. Used as a shield against corrosive compounds in the chemical industry, for steel alloys, bricks, ceramics and abrasives, flashbulbs, explosive primers, lamp filaments and artificial gemstones. Also in deodorants.
Zircon is the only zirconium mineral of commercial importance, produced from placer deposits and sands in Australia, Russia, South Africa, the USA, and Brazil.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
43* unsure
The days go on and on...they pass so quickly and everything feels the same. I'm ready for change,,some change that will move my life forward. I think the only way to reconnect my spirit to my life is to go back to the roots of my beliefs. Now to figure out exactly what it is that I believe...can I go back to the same faith I used to have? I don't know...I don't feel the same inside myself so I'm not sure I can think the same as I once did. This has been on my mind for a few days and as of yet I'm not sure...I don't feel healed in any way but I do know that I am making an effort to get through...
Element of the day (day 43)
#39) Y-Yttrium -] metal
Discovered in 1794 by Johann Gadolin, Finland.
A soft gray-white metal. Moon rocks show an unusually high yttrium content. Yttrium compounds have several uses. Produces the color red in TV screens and is used in microwave filters. When alloyed with aluminum, magnesium and chromium, it strengthens those metals. Also used in superconductors and lasers. Used in needles for certain surgical procedures.
Obtained by mining the minerals bastnasite, monazite and xenotime, mined in Madagascar, Norway, Russia and the USA.
Element of the day (day 43)
#39) Y-Yttrium -] metal
Discovered in 1794 by Johann Gadolin, Finland.
A soft gray-white metal. Moon rocks show an unusually high yttrium content. Yttrium compounds have several uses. Produces the color red in TV screens and is used in microwave filters. When alloyed with aluminum, magnesium and chromium, it strengthens those metals. Also used in superconductors and lasers. Used in needles for certain surgical procedures.
Obtained by mining the minerals bastnasite, monazite and xenotime, mined in Madagascar, Norway, Russia and the USA.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
42* empty head
all I feel is the emptiness in my head; I wonder when the words will come back...
Element of the day (day 42)
#38) Sr-Strontium -] metal
Beneficial to full health, or thought to be in plants and animals.
Discovered in 1790 Adair Crawford, Scotland.
A relatively soft, silvery-yellow metal. A chemically active metal, reacting with both air and water. Used in the glass for color television tubes and in fireworks and other pyrotechnics, where it imparts a red color. Strontium titanate is used in optical materials, as it has a very high reactive index and optical dispersion.
Strontium obtained from strontianite (strontium carbonate))) and celestite (strontium sulfate) and is mined in Mexico, Turkey, Iran, Spain and Algeria.
Element of the day (day 42)
#38) Sr-Strontium -] metal
Beneficial to full health, or thought to be in plants and animals.
Discovered in 1790 Adair Crawford, Scotland.
A relatively soft, silvery-yellow metal. A chemically active metal, reacting with both air and water. Used in the glass for color television tubes and in fireworks and other pyrotechnics, where it imparts a red color. Strontium titanate is used in optical materials, as it has a very high reactive index and optical dispersion.
Strontium obtained from strontianite (strontium carbonate))) and celestite (strontium sulfate) and is mined in Mexico, Turkey, Iran, Spain and Algeria.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
41*
Element of the day (day 41)
#37) Rb-Rubidium -] metal
Beneficial to full health, or thought to be for plants and
animals.
DDiscovered in 1861 by Robert Bunsen and Gustav Kirchhoff, Germany.
A fairly common metal, being 16th most abundant in the Earth's crust. Has very few commercial or industrial uses. Used in photocells, in special glass and as a radioactive tracer. Ha future potential for use in very thin batteries, vapor turbines and on ion engines that could power spacecraft ( like NASA's Deep Space probe).
Most of the world's rubidium is obtained from lithia mica lepidolite mainly from Canada. Found in trace amounts in pollucite, camallite, leucite and zinnwaldite. D
Monday, September 10, 2012
40* a quote
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" -- John Lennon
Element of the day (day 40)
#32) Ge-Germanium -] metal
Beneficial to full health, or thought to be for plants and animals.
Discovered in 1886 by Clemens Winkler, Germany.
A brittle and stable element, unaffected by air or water, acids or alkalis. Germanium has semiconductor properties, and its greatest use is in transistors. Was the first element used to construct semiconductors and trasnistors. Also in metal alloys, in flourescent lamps and as a chemical catalyst.
Rarely found in minerals except in trace amounts. Produced in nations that produce copper and zinc. Argyrodite and germanite are rare germanium-bearing minerals.
Element of the day (day 40)
#32) Ge-Germanium -] metal
Beneficial to full health, or thought to be for plants and animals.
Discovered in 1886 by Clemens Winkler, Germany.
A brittle and stable element, unaffected by air or water, acids or alkalis. Germanium has semiconductor properties, and its greatest use is in transistors. Was the first element used to construct semiconductors and trasnistors. Also in metal alloys, in flourescent lamps and as a chemical catalyst.
Rarely found in minerals except in trace amounts. Produced in nations that produce copper and zinc. Argyrodite and germanite are rare germanium-bearing minerals.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
39* Gallium
"Grief is the other side of Love" - John Edward
Element of the day (day 39)
#31) Ga-Gallium -] metal
Discovered in 1875 by Paul-Emile Lecoq de Boisbaudran, France.
A soft silvery metal with many unusual properties. A very low melting point; if gallium is held one's hand, it will melt. Has a very high boiling point, making it useful for high temperature thermometers. Also used in mirror making and alloys with other metals.
Rarely occurs in minerals except in trace amounts. Recovered as a by-product of refining bauxite to alulmina and from some copper and zinc ores. Gallite is the only mineral with gallium as an essential element (with Cu and S). No gallium is mined.
Element of the day (day 39)
#31) Ga-Gallium -] metal
Discovered in 1875 by Paul-Emile Lecoq de Boisbaudran, France.
A soft silvery metal with many unusual properties. A very low melting point; if gallium is held one's hand, it will melt. Has a very high boiling point, making it useful for high temperature thermometers. Also used in mirror making and alloys with other metals.
Rarely occurs in minerals except in trace amounts. Recovered as a by-product of refining bauxite to alulmina and from some copper and zinc ores. Gallite is the only mineral with gallium as an essential element (with Cu and S). No gallium is mined.
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