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| ~~November 29, 2017~~ |
I can plan for a day of remembrance or celebration to honor the son I lost to the evils of the world. Then, as today, the day comes and the pain strikes so hard it paralyzes my mind and all I can do is curl up in my bed and cry.
There are no words to explain, to convey or conquer the brokenness I feel inside myself. I endure the pain, fight to ignore the sadness in my daily life but it will never leave me.
In the picture to the left,the feathers on the dresser and sticking out of Kenny's urn are those I collected this year. Also in the picture are the bottle-caps I added to Kenny's collection. Each year it gets a little more challenging to find new bottle-caps but I did find some really cool ones on the beach since 11-29-16.
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Although some plans fell through today, I did make a trip to San Luis Obispo to buy special donuts at a place called SLO DO CO.
I discovered these donuts about a month ago. I have yet to taste one but just looking at them I know Kenny would have loved them! The name of these donuts are Rainbow Galaxy with marshmallow frosting}} even the name is cool enough to make Kenny smile; which, naturally made me smile and even giggle a little. While I was sitting in my car just about to leave-> I asked Kenny to give me a sign he was with me. So, I set my google maps to the SLO DO CO and began the drive. I thought it odd when the exit was Broad Street, but I had never driven there directly so I followed the guided directions. After exiting, there was one turn after another~ right turn, then left, then right again. I had to have taken at least a half dozen turns. It was like going through a maze. I began to get annoyed, then chuckled as I remembered I asked for a sign. Mazes were a thing for Kenny. When he was young he would design one maze game after another for hours. When he had three or more completed, he would bring them for me to play. I'm sure I have some of them packed away in storage and I will smile through tears when I see them again.
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| The donuts reminded me of this peace sign that belonged to | Kenny |
I'm listening to new music as I am writing this blog entry. A violinist name Lindsey Stirling. I think Kenny would think she is amazing, which she completely is. He might even have a crush on her. As I get older and time passes I think of all that is lost, all that never had a chance to happen. I will never know what future he would have had; how many more lives he would have touched=] I will never know the girl who would have loved him, the honor of a first dance at his wedding, or the joy of holding a grandchild.
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I still try to find ways to keep Kenny alive in my life. Like finding random feathers and new things he would like. I saw a new Monopoly game and thought I would have bought that for Kenny and a rake shaped back scratcher. He would have been amused by it.
This particular year has been quite challenging as evidenced by my complete lack of blogging. Changes and challenges continue to be a constant in my life. A knee injury requiring surgery and a very long recovery time had a serious impact on most of my year. Most of the year I felt lost and broken.
Additionally, two Kenny items broke. A few months ago, I looked down at my Kenny necklace and noticed it was open. After four years the glue had come loose and all the contents had fallen out except the peace sign and a tiny clump of his ashes. In a way I think Kenny saved the peace sign and mini ash clump. I don't know how long it had been open but I had just driven a couple places so it could have been awhile. A very close friend of mine painted the peace sign black for me and I put the locket back together adding more of Kenny's ashes.
Another item that broke was the surfboard memento I had hanging in my car.After years of swinging back and forth on the mirror the cord broke and it fell without losing a single bead. It was one that belonged to Kenny given to him from a friend he met in the mental hospital he stayed in. I also fixed that today. It was important to have it done and in a short while I will go hang it in my car once again.
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| fixed surfboard string |
And now, as Kenny would say: peace, and from me: love
