Connecting with Kenny: 2014

Saturday, November 29, 2014

147* Another November 29th

Another November 29th.... Three years gone. Boo Hoo Hoo (Kenny would get it)

Kenny's special table-picture by Rob with frame from his glasses that I found on the tracks; marble urn Kenny would have thought is cool; glass bowl with dozens of feathers- Kenny signs; and his anniversary candle-- Nov. 29, 2014

How can it be that another year has passed? The saying goes "time heals all wounds" but I emphatically do not believe it.

The days do not get any easier. Every so often there are happy days but its been so long I don't remember them.

In the past year, I feel as if I have truly lost Kenny. And today I could not find the connection that once kept him close to my soul.

It was a strange day. I felt lost,, with time slipping away very quickly.

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Since I no longer have a home-- Kenny's urn is on his special table at mi mama's house. I took his anniversary candle there late this morning.

When I went to light the candle, the lighter would not spark. I tried several times and finally gave up. Instead I used a match. I suppose that was a sign of the day to come.

I was hoping for time alone with Kenny, but that never happened. I spent awhile looking through pictures. Gathering them for Kenny's photo album that needs to be put back together.

Before I knew it- it was afternoon so I left to pick up Ravenne.

As I no longer have a home, she is staying with a friend. It is extremely difficult and I am quite sad without her even though she is being well taken care of -- my only consolation with the situation.

Ravenne's new home for now

The plan was to take some of Kenny's ashes to the railroad tracks and then go for a drive someplace we could have a long walk. As fate would have it today, that plan did not come to fruition-- After I put Ravenne in the car, I realized I did not have the jar with Kenny's ashes. Its a small jar with a black lid and a gold peace sign sticker. I thought I locked his ashes in my friend's trunk in my purple backpack where they are supposed to be.

As it turned out three hours later when I was finally able to check my stuff in the trunk-- Kenny's ashes were not where I thought they were. As of now at nearly 11pm, I still have not found them.
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So, I had to return to mi mama's to gather some more ashes in another little jar. By the time that was done, it was already dark outside.

However, Ravenne and I still took the drive to the tracks where Kenny callously took his life and spirit away from us. I pulled to the spot where I park and noticed there was a freight train stopped on the tracks. That seems to be a frequent occurrence lately. It stayed in its place the entire time we were there. We didn't take time for a walk. The short walks from earlier today were all we had time to share. It was a smidgen of happiness sprinkled into a mess of a day.

I found the place with the faded pink marking. I noticed lights coming down the tracks as I was getting ready to drop the ashes on the rail where the spot was marked. Within a minute of laying the ashes down-- an Amtrak sped by blowing them into the wind to join the millions of dust particles in the Universe.

I kept asking Kenny for a sign that he was still around. Later when I sat in the dirt talking to him I said "Kenny, you didn't give me a sign today". I heard a voice say in return "the train was the sign Mom". I can only hope that was Kenny's response and not me going crazy.
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Life has changed very much in the last few months; although I would not say much of it has been progressive. That must be still to come.

A time and place that I have not been able to reach. A peace that once seemed attainable that I am no longer sure about.

There was a time when all in life seemed hopeful. However in the past three years I have grasped for hope time and time again, yet it somehow seems to slip through my fingertips repeatedly.

I wonder if that is how Kenny felt in the last months of his life. Those final weeks didn't tell much of what was in his mind. That he could actually leave it all behind him. Say good-bye to his life. Never to be Kenny again. I have no idea where he is on his journey. I feel the greatest separation from him that I have ever felt.

I am restless-- without peace of any kind. It is a dis-heartening feeling that I can not be free of. I have no idea what the next year will bring. If I will move on-- forward-- or whatever. And whatever does that mean anyway??
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In memory.....


Kenny's ashes with peace sign, cross, heart and letter K-gift from cousin Jennifer and Tia Nellie


sticker on the back of Eliora's truck with my lipstick kiss

one of Kenny's favorite snacks-- ate these while I wrote this entry-- been eating them a lot lately...

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In closing I would like to say-- I had no time for tears today. Not the real kind of tears that feel like 'I miss you son-- I cry for your loss'. So now is the time for those tears....to wash away the mishaps of the day,, the sorrow of a time with Kenny I can never get back and can't let go of.

The love for you is as deep as ever. No amount of time lessens my heart's hope for you, my grief that you are not here, or my desire to feel your presence. I MISS YOU MY DARLING SON!

Hugs to you in heaven. And also Love and Hugs to my Tio Manuel who left us one year ago today. May you both experience peace and light on the other side. <3

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

146* Blue Feathers and the Grover Dunes

It's been a long time since I've written a blog entry. It almost feels like I'm starting all over.
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Today is Tuesday the 29th of July so it felt significant to write because it was Tuesday the 29th the day Kenny died-- its been 32 months/ 139 weeks now without my Kenny.

My pile of feathers has increased greatly over the last few months. After finding dozens of feathers that are gray and black or a combo thereof, I started to ask Kenny about a month ago to leave me a blue feather as a sign that he is watching over me.

It took a few weeks and then a couple Saturdays ago, as I was cleaning dead leaves out of the flower bed that I found this baby blue feather. I tried to capture the blue in a picture but it didn't come out that well.

this tiny feather is so cute!and it really is half blue. Kenny must've known it wouldn't show in a pic because yesterday morning as I was walking Ravenne I found another blue feather-- looks like it came right off a blue jay. It was laying in the grass near a tree Ravenne was sniffing so I took a pic of it right there on the ground.

this feather shows the blue so I guess Kenny answered my request twice. I'm going to have a replica of the baby blue as part of my next tattoo in memory of Kenny...

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The Dunes: Kenny's ashes

One of Kenny's favorite places to run around was at the dunes of Grover Beach; that is where I went today to spread some of his ashes and to talk to my son. The broken bits of his bones landed across the sand in a footprint pattern as if he were running in the it.While I was there I found a stick that was partially burned- it was just the kind of stick Kenny would have liked so I used it to dig a small hole to lay his ashes in...

jar with Kenny's ashes 7/29/14

stick I found laying on sand

before I buried ashes in the sand...

bottle cap as found in the sand

I sat on the sand for a very long time after I buried and spread a part of Kenny in the dunes he loved. I talked to Kenny asking for a sign that he was there with me. It was strange because I felt that he was with me but not around me. After a long while I felt the sensation to get up and start walking through the dunes. When you walk in the middle of the dunes where the sand is lower its like being in the middle of the desert because the ocean is hidden by the small hills. In my mind I asked Kenny to lead the way and this is where he led me. I was following the middle path when my son Jheremy called me so I stopped. We talked for a little bit so I turned back- my feet were burning in the hot sand so I dropped my flip flops to put them on looking down into the gravely ground. That is when I saw it. A bottle cap- a golden bottle cap perfectly shaped sitting alone atop the golden grains of sand. I have never seen a bottle cap with a saying like this one. I read the saying and thought to myself this is something Kenny would have thought about himself so it must be a sign from Kenny. Then I took a picture and put it in my pouch.When I return home later in the week I will add it to his collection... I have to believe that his spirit is still with me, that the bond of love between us can never be broken regardless of how long he is gone. It doesn't mend my heart but it does warm my soul....