133* so many memories...

summer is flying by so quickly....
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the past month has been spent packing and moving stuff to storage as well as getting used to not having my brother around. i think of him ALL THE TIME-- when i need to do computer stuff- when i listen to classic rock- when i listen to the dodger games- when i want to text him out of the blue- when i eat something that reminds me of him- when i talk to mi mama or my younger brother- when i'm missing kenny- it never ends....
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callie noticed that the living room looked different when she was here for movie night last night-- it was a real good night for me. ben wanted to spend a few minutes in kenny's room one last time-- i had a tearful moment when it occurred to me i might not see them again, but i pray that does not happen.
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it's been awhile since i posted pics of kenny so...
here is a set of random pictures i found yesterday

Halloween 1992- 1 year

December 1992- Jheremy 5yrs, Vincent 3 mos, Kenny 1 yr

Me n Kenny- beach time - January 1993

Loving that leather jacket- 1yr +

sneaking a cheeseburger! 2 1/2 yrs

Power Rangers! Kenny=red & Vincent=blue

Kenny (7yrs) with Great Grandma Nellie and Jasper-

Kenny(6) > Jheremy(11) > Vincent(5)

Kenny is 10! remember Rumble Robots?

Just having fun!!!! age 8

Jheremy (14) - Vincent (10) - Kenny (11)

So 
many memories ....best times of my life
Peace and Love until next time

132* movie night

20 months ago today,, seems like time has passed and stood still,, very strange...


watching movies with Ben, Callie and Vincent--- had Little Caesar's pizza and breadsticks- first time Little C's been in my house since Kenny was alive

also I ate way too many swedish fish-- one of Kenny's favorite candies, they are addictive...

will post more tomorrow- I scanned a bunch of pictures, but its time for movie #2

First one was "Pirates of the Carribean-at world's end"
Next, "Eragon"

Until tomorrow   

Little Caesars/ IBC  ROOT BEER/ Swedish Fish- 3 of Kenny's favorite treats... keeping his memory alive

131* losses and pennies

In Loving Memory~ 
          Nick Montaño  Sept/1969- June/2013

Nick and Annette- me n my bro

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The last month has been filled with loss. My brother died last week and yesterday was his funeral. His death was completely unexpected and still seems unreal. I truly expected to see him alive yesterday at the funeral home.

Another whirlwind of emotions has been hitting me, however somehow it doesn't feel at all the same as losing Kenny, or the possible impending loss of my dog Ravenne. It's a very different, strange feeling. There have been waves of sorrow and grief, but I feel my brother Nick left peacefully and just the way he wanted to go. He died in his sleep.
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other than that I have been losing things nearly everytime I turn around it seems.

I lost my grandmother's ring a while back and have not been able to find it no matter how I search.

I lost my peace ring while doing a yard sale at my mom's house. I looked everywhere for a week, even in the boxes and garage where I found it two weeks later. It was in a box of items for a yard sale. When I was unpacking the box my ring was in it, only it didn't look the same. It was smashed as if it had been run over. So I put it in my car and then somewhere in my house and have lost it again.

The week before that I lost the button Ben gave me that looks a little like a yin-yang and that made me very sad!  

I liked it so much I took a picture of it long ago.
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In other news =there was a series of day when I was finding lots of pennies. One day I found seven pennies in the same day. After finding a few, I thought it was so amazing I took pictures of them.

 

 The first picture is the fifth penny I found that day in the bathroom at Target. The first four I found all in a row in the parking lot at Target. I tried taking a picture but it didn't turn out. 
Later that day I found two at the gas station when I was getting gas. I found one when I went to pay and one when I was walking back to pump the gas.
That was on June 13, 2013. I guess Kenny was missing me that day and sending lots of hellos.

Until next time...cherish your loved ones <3

130* Mother's Day; numbers; and pictures

   Kenny's candle is lit on this 29th day of May. It is now one and a half years since the last day Kenny was with me. I still relive his last day sometimes. I remember him sitting at the table with his cereal the last morning we talked. He did not give me a clue as to his evil plan. It seems impossible that I did not know at all.  
  Another Mother's Day passed by without Kenny. This year was a little easier than last year. It didn't hit me hard until the end of the day. Then I was sad, sad, sad. During the day, I spent a bit of time posting stuff on facebook. I enjoyed getting pictures of the boys up and it took awhile so it kept my mind busy and I felt the love I have for my children can still keep me going. Vincent and I went to see Iron Man 3. I really like going with Vincent to the movies even though he doesn't talk to me much. He chats non-stop with his friends but it is different with me. I like it when he has friends around--it is a little like it was when Kenny was alive. It is special watching movies with Vincent. I never would have gotten into Marvel movies without him, and I actually think the characters are very cool, and the movies are very entertaining and interesting.
    Jheremy is far away so I did not get to see him. Sometimes he sends me a card but not this year or last. I wonder if I will ever get a Mother's Day card again. Kenny would have given me a card and a hug. I did not get a hug on Mother's day this year. I would have loved a hug...guess I'm glad its over.I felt soooo terrible the next day I did not go to work but the day after that I continued on with life. At least now I have the inner strength to carry on with full confidence that I am capable of getting through the most horrific events. I think I have lived through the pinocle of grief for this lifetime. It will remain in a part of my heart for all of my days. Even so, the rest of my heart is filled with faith that the future will be happier than the past years.

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   I continue to be fascinated with numbers and their connection with life. I was looking on Kenny's facebook not long ago-- I still leave messages randomly, and I noticed he had 29 friends. 29, the same number as the last day of his life. What a peculiar coincidence, huh?

   As for me, I've had quite a lot of experiences with master numbers in the last month. I happened to wake up at 3:33am a couple times and I looked at the clock at 4:44pm another day. My change was $7.77 one day when I was buying groceries and my total for a purchase was $5.55 another time. Each master has a different meaning but they are all about being in tune with the universe and one's purpose in life. When I have time next week I will read all about them
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   I was thinking recently as I was looking at family pictures that never again will I have a new picture of Kenny. I don't know if he looks the same or different on the other side but he will always look the same in his pictures. He will never age-- he will never change and it gives me a knot in the pit of my stomach. It feels so wrong!!! and it gives missing him a whole new meaning...I do wish so much that he was here. I do want to share new experiences with him. To hear him talk about anything would brighten my day. To hear him laugh would be pure joy. Simple expressions can mean so much.

   Don't ever take any for granted--one never knows when it will end...

~~ <3 Love, Light, Peace ~~ until next time

129* 75 weeks

It's Tuesday-- ANOTHER TUESDAY!!!!  
and this one is hitting me hard>> I wish I could spend the day writing but I must hurry off to work,, I'm already on track to be late.

I hate that life interferes with my needs
I feel terrible today,, I want to grief for my son-- my darling son whom I could not help

I feel the strongest sense of profound sadness that I could not help him--I could not make him feel that life is worth living--
and now I feel the exact same way

I try to find meaning.. a reason,, a purpose
but it eludes me

There are people I love deeply who are here
However,, the love I carry in my heart does not erase the pain
The grief is overwhelming today and now I must go 
and be a part of the life that I hate

Love and Peace to the world and life on the other side

Love<3 Love<3 Love<3 to Kenny         

128* There's been easier days..

March 29th was a very good day. The first good day in a long, long time.

I woke up early and walked my dog>> I lit Kenny's candle.

I went to sound therapy in the morning--I always feel better after sound therapy.  

Then I had spontaneous lunch and movie day-- saw "The Host",, and liked it very much.

And after that, I rushed home to have movie time with Vincent, Ben, and Callie. We watched X-Men movies and ate pizza, the kids talked and made me laugh. I love listening to their commentaries. I made cookies--they weren't my best cookies but still it was fun.

Yes, March 29th was a good day--it got late and I was so tired I went to bed after the kids left.

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Today, in contrast has been a very bad day.

My dog Ravenne is showing symptoms of dying. She is not eating, she looks like she is pain with the saddest eyes, and she doesn't want to come inside.
She has been laying outside for days, and leaving her to go to work this morning made me feel sick to my stomach.

I kept praying she would make it through the day and she has, but I know she doesn't have much time left. Of course hanging out with the Kenny where there is endless green grass and freedom to run as much as she wants will be better for her than being here in pain,but still it makes me so sad to lose another loved one.

Other than that, Mondays are now my worst day of the week.

Soon to be over, never-the-less I still had to endure getting through this Monday. I talked to Kenny a lot this morning--mostly asking him to watch over Ravenne. I still think of him and miss him lots; however I talk to him differently now. More like he's listening, with less expectation of hearing him in return. 

Even so, I still cry daily. The tears flow even when I try to stop them but overall I feel stronger than before although life would be so much better with Kenny here. I must say that all the time: "I wish you were here Kenny". I do believe I will feel that way forever...plus

Would be wonderful to have one of Kenny's hugs!!On hard days like this, I wish so much to see Kenny smile and give me a hug and hear him say "doesn't life suck mom" and I could reply "its not that bad"... On that note, I have been finding a lot of random pennies lately. Whenever I find one I say "thank you Kenny" and write in my date book "Kenny penny". I found one Friday when I was in Sunnyvale with Vincent-- made me feel like Kenny was there with us in a way. 

Anyway thats all for now~ I pray I have more energy next month.

and as Kenny would say "PEACE" 



  

     

127* 16 months

16 months... love to Kenny

watching X-Men movies with Vincent, Ben, and Callie

more tomorrow....