152* - change -

Ever-changing is life.... a fluctuation of people passing  through--> places to be lived in--> and activities,  various  in nature and pleasure. 
Change. 
For better or worse,, it is the one constant in my life  since Kenny has died. 
Death. 
The absolute worst change that has ever been a part of  this life I lead. 
As I was gazing toward the wondrous constellations at  4am--I wondered how different it is to be on the other  side of life; being able to navigate freely through space and time.  
How much I would enjoy being among the stars and the  moonlight every night instead of a bed in a room. 
I think of the room Kenny left behind. He must not miss  it . Probably not miss a thing. 
Not even the black closet which made the room all his  own. 
I spent many a time crying in his closet after he was  gone. Packing it up was extremely difficult because  there were so many memories there - in his books,  especially  his notebooks with his drawings and his  personal  language written in symbols I could not  understand. And all the  clothes that hung there for  months after he departed, hanger after hanger of black  shirts and black jeans. Black was his color of choice. 
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[THE BLACK CLOSET]]]]]]]]]]]]

 this is Kenny's black closet.  I think  we painted it during the time he was  out of school and in therapy.  I  remember he wanted his entire room  to be black. At the time, I thought an  entire room of black walls would only add to his depression so we agreed on  beginning the painting project with  the closet. we were supposed to paint  the walls a different color and then  paint the baseboards and trim black.  however, that never happened.... we  never got more than the closet done.  It must have been a year or so that he had his black closet,  which I must admit was extremely cool.  it was a two or three  day project and it was one of the funnest times I had with  Kenny in his room. we talked and laughed. I can picture him in  his ripped up black jeans and skulls t-shirt with a giant grin on  his face . I wear that t-shirt now. I don't know how he managed  to  not get any paint on it. Actually,  it was a fairly easy job for  the most part. we looked at a lot of his childhood mementos  together. He still had his pikachu sweatshirt from an old  halloween costume.  how much I wish I still had that sweatshirt. 
 and it's odd that I cannot find any pictures of Kenny from that  halloween.  he also had a shirt from when he was an alligator in  a school play. 

1997- 6 years old--- Kenny

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A is for Alligator
1st grade~~ Kenny was attending Bullard Talent Elementary. As was required-- he participated in a play and a musical each school year, and played an instrument. His instrument of choice was the flute, I think? He was there for 1st and 2nd grade and then he'd had enough, insisting on going to a "regular" school with Vincent. 

This particular play was called the Alphabet play and each first grader was an animal that coincided with the letter they were chosen to play. The best part of this costume was the hat by far. I made the hat with tons of green tissue paper and humungous wiggle eyes. It was still in his closet when I packed it up last year. I wanted to hold onto the hat, but I can't remember if I did. What a strange looking costume, huh? Poor Kenny!! Those green socks stuck around for many years I remember... On the positive side, Kenny enjoyed 1st grade quite a lot! His 1st grade teacher was his favorite until high school. Her name was Mrs. Condon, although she was lovingly referred to as "Mrs. C" from students, staff, and parents. Her room was a calming and magical space. She had a make believe bog complete with green netting hanging from the ceilings and a pretend pond with fake pussy willows and bunches of stuffed frogs and pillows. It was a very comfortable refuge from the stress of being a 1st grader. Frogs were the main theme in this classroom. I remember taking a picture of Kenny on a frog at Disneyland that school year because he wanted to give it to Mrs. C. 
Those were the easier days of life. Before the horrific changes of teenage depression and suicide. I  suppose in his mind it was the same frame of thought as when he ended his days at Bullard Talent--} he had enough life and insisted on ending his days here on Earth.

What a depressing change in life that has been for me. 
I try my best to cope. As of yet, I have not completely  succeeded. If that day ever comes -- it will be a welcome change. 

151* Kenny missed National Pancake Day

"National Pancake Day>>>>" I can hear Kenny saying it. Did they even have that day when Kenny was alive? I don't recall. 

Actually, National Pancake Day was last Tuesday, March 3rd. It's hard to believe it took a week to get this entry started. I thought it was fitting being Tuesday, because in my mind, Tuesday is Kenny day. I'm not sure if it would be considered odd, but I do sometimes think of my life in terms of Kenny still being here. Only in my imagination of course! What he would be saying,, what he would be doing; and on National pancake day-- I think he would want to be eating pancakes for every meal. 

I know I've written before that Kenny loved pancakes. Definitely one of his favorite foods. He would eat them any time of day. For breakfast> in between breakfast and any other meal> after school> sometimes for dinner. >Even a late night snack. I would make them at all times of the day if he would ask. Pancakes and bacon make an excellent dinner. Now, as far as pancakes go...I could get away with adding raisins or chocolate chips, even blueberries mixed in the batter was acceptable from time to time, However, plain old fashioned pancakes (secret ingredients included) were most popular. And there was never, ever anything to be added on top of the pancakes except butter and pure maple syrup. He would eat fruit with his pancakes, but only on the side not on top. I thought of that as one of his Kenny quirks.

Last Tuesday, I ate pancakes at Denny's. Mine are so much better-- there's absolutely no comparison!! Kenny would be appalled. Then again, if he were still here, life would be very different and we would have been eaten homemade pancakes together. I look forward to the day I have my own space where I can make pancakes any time I want. I may even have a pancake party in honor of Kenny's love for pancakes. Possibly on his 24th birthday...

If it happens---- I shall blog about it. So those are my thoughts about Kenny missing National Pancake Day. He would be thrilled that there is day honoring his favorite breakfast item. After all, it has been said he never met anyone who enjoyed breakfast 7 times a day-- other than himself, that is.......

Until next time -- for those of you who enjoy pancakes,, may you think of Kenny and smile the next time you put a pancake in your mouth.
And--- I wonder-}-} If... Ben still grabs them, folds them, and takes a bite of pancake bliss??