So After a year of near complete neglect>> I have decided to resume this blog in dedication to Kenny.
I hope I am able to continue in a way that can somehow be true to the spirit of my son that I continue to miss and long to be connected with.
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As for personal healing-- there are areas of progress and areas lacking any healing at all. For the most part, Tuesdays have become another ordinary day of the week. I no longer light a candle on Tuesday. Some weeks I don't even realize its past.
Most of 2014, I spent void of allowing myself to remember, to feel, to reveal that the hole in my heart is still there.I tried to escape by dealing with all the hardships that come along with a life un-lived. Like a myriad of car problems, losing my home, and giving up my dog. AND most difficult of all, being separated from my youngest son. It is a part of life that I had hoped to avoid.
In reality, it has been easier than I expected; the dissolving of my little family.I don't feel disconnected to either Vincent or Jheremy. The only exception being my dog Ravenne, whom I miss tremendously.However, now that those tasks have come to pass, I once again find myself thinking and talking of Kenny as if time has hardly passed at all. As unusual as this is-- it MUST be part of the process. I believe it just became too much to deal with after the loss of my brother, then my uncle.
So, once again I embark on my spiritual journey-- hopeful that I will find my way back into my own light on this planet as Kenny has found light in the infinity of space.I have found a place in my mind that is resilient beyond what I believed possible for myself and it is renewing my faith in my personal power. My abilities to influence my own life's path rather than the circumstances of my heartaches.
I am rediscovering what it means to be me. What I value, what I believe, what I feel, what I think--- what I am willing to share, give, receive. My spirit is lifting the veil of darkness so my soul can peek through.I relive the hauntings of my life less with my mind, and more with the emotions that stir within me. I am in essence releasing the pain,, letting go of the ugliness,, so I can live in the beauty of what was once a happy place. Whilst doing so, creating an even more magnificent space of beauty, hope, and love.
The un-dying love of a mother, of a human whose true spirit is meant to feel connected to the universal energy that I have always known to be real. The extreme positive of my current reality is that I have come to long for my relationship with my other two sons with a passion that had been sidelined in my grieving process. I miss those two boys like crazy, a different kind of crazy than that of missing Kenny, but crazy none-the-less. And that>> in its own weirdness is true to me. True to my motherly connection with the children who bring joy to my heart, influence my thoughts and decisions, and renew my strength to keep fighting for the life I desire.
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Somewhere a silence is heard far away and the brightness of day fills the night, Where the trials of life are resolved into peace when a soul finds its way to the light.
May it comfort you to know that your loved one is now at peace.
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As I said, there are moments when there seems to be no healing at all. I found this card yesterday when I was doing some writing. It was given to me from Amy, her family, and Adrien. I remember the night of the service Amy couldn't stay in the chapel. Kenny had gone to see her a day or so before he took his life and she didn't talk to him for some reason. The guilt and pain were so present in her eyes that night we said good-bye to Kenny. I broke down and fell to my knees, crying out to the world, yelling Kenny's name after I saw the card. I only read the front at the time. Just now I read the card in its entirety. And the squealing cries begin. At this moment I am listening to "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. This song has been my current obsession since Sunday just passed. Its one I would have shared with Kenny. Does it speak to me or to my desire to save what I cannot save?? There have been many mini meltdowns over the last two days. Mini meltdowns because they come and go within 11 minutes time. Estimation of time in accordance to a number related to Kenny.However, there are less days of endless tears. Tears don't last as they once did. They are more soothing than painful now; although the searing throb in my heart hasn't disappeared completely. I think there will always be a torn sort of tenderness holding its place for Kenny's presence in my life.
[side note:
The lyrics were too much a distraction. No more Mraz for now. It is MOONSONG playing. I still go back and play this from time to time. Ben posted it on Kenny's facebook the night he died.]
It seems that Kenny's presence has been slowly reappearing this month. More so in the past week than in the past few months. I feel like he is watching over me again and sending signs that he hears me. I've been asking so much since this year began. Especially since my birthday not long ago.
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| New Year seashells |
The second significant sign was on Jan. 8 when I was visiting Vincent in Fresno. It had been quite a while since I had found a "Kenny penny" as I call them. A random penny that I find. We were at Wells Fargo and I was returning to the car and there was one beneath the car on the driver's side as I stepped down from the curb. Then, last night when I was getting ready to do a meditation, a penny popped onto my laptop as I plopped it onto my bed. I'm very sure there wasn't a penny on my bed earlier that day. I'm still puzzled as to how it appeared so I take it as a sign from Kenny.
Other signs]
-- Vincent and I got Table #29 at Pieology Pizzerria ( I associate the numbers 11 and 29 with Kenny as these were the numbers of the month, day, and year that he left his life behind.
-- 2 quarters--} story to come
-- molasses chips: okay,, so I rarely go to See's Candies. And as I am living in a new area hadn't been. But for some odd reason, I wanted one of their butterscotch lollypops on Monday(which I still have not eaten). So, I happen to be in a parking lot in SLO where there is a See's candy store. As is the tradition, the counter worker gave me a sample as I purchased my sole lollypop. And of all the candies-- it was dark chocolate molasses chips. One of mine and Kenny's favorites. Being as Kenny was a selfless sweetheart, we always ended up dividing the ones that came in a box. Every-time we went to the candy store he and I would pick that as one of our choices.Of course I thanked him as I munched away on those sweet, sweet chips.
--I made a purchase that came out to $11.29 one day last week-- I laughed and cried at the same time. The cashier must have thought I was crazy. I gave no explanation. Just said Kenny's name I think...
-- Earlier in the week, I went to get something from my car, opening the passenger side door and I see Kenny's picture on the driver's seat. I have no recollection of putting it on my seat although the picture had been in the backseat of my car with nearly all my other belongings due to a remodeling project of the home I am in.
-- And today...I'm driving past a school zone. Are you familiar with the signs that clock your speed when you are in a school zone? well, this one must have been faulty because the sign read in bright red bubbled lights that I was going 29!! I was not going 29...my speedometer read 35... that one really got me.
-- Also today....just as I'm getting ready to start this entry I look at my laptop clock and what do I see? > > > > > > > > > > > > > My, oh my, how the time has disappeared. I must be finishing up.
Lastly, I have a new place for Kenny. His special table is once again set up at mi Mama's so I keep a smaller version with me. This is the picture that was in my car. It's now on a shelf with a jar of his ashes I have kept with me since I went to Tennessee last summer. It gives me comfort just looking at the picture and knowing there is a tiny bit of what was once his physical being near me. A bit morbid for some people; yet just right for me.
Until next time.... "PEACE"...as Kenny would say!
